Feelings going up and down lately, not really feeling 'good' by any means, kind of constant gloom. My face gives me away every minute of every day. I've gotten better at putting on the fake smile and my work laugh sounds so convincing - I even believe it sometimes. Good days do happen, but not where I work. Rude and demoralizing comments just dig at you, and I'm so sick of being told 'Let it roll off your back' UGH! That drives me insane!
The only thing that makes me happy, that I've noticed is hearing little jokes and total random sarcasm. I love overhearing someones use of sarcasm. I don't have to respond because it wasn't directed at me, and I can smile & walk away. Moments like that leave me wishing I could consistently feel joy.
Next thought: I'm thinking the reason I've been eating more lately is because of how sad I feel; like deep down in my gut. Last time I was this sad I knew why, now I don't. I'm sure it's a combination of things, but I don't want to be that complainy girl - I need to figure how to get myself out of this hole I dug myself.
Some days I wish I could just lay on my bed with the sun shining through the window on me, while my ipod plays mellow indie music. Or I imagine it's summer again and I'm laying in my yard doing the same thing - no bugs though, they ruin it.
I hope I have the motivation and energy to walk 10 miles 3 times a week this summer, like last year. I want to be in shape, feel confident in myself for the first time in my life. I need to be fit this year, I'm in my youthful stage and I want to remembered as a beauty. I remembering looking at photos of my mom when she was my age, and I always think 'she was so gorgeous, I wish I looked like that', I want someone to think that about me. I shouldn't be so shallow I know this, but that's a whole other level of my guilt>sadness>constant low feeling.
I'm tired, and I feel drained more and more lately. I sleep plenty and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don't know why it's getting harder to not cry at work. It's never a serious issue, it's dumb meaningless comments, that don't matter 2 minutes later...but I feel the tears well up, then I think ' seriously? Why are you crying? Don't cry! You're at work people are looking at you'.
And that's enough for tonight, feeling a bit better after ranting to the few people that read this, or me reading this later this year..
