Feelings going up and down lately, not really feeling 'good' by any means, kind of constant gloom. My face gives me away every minute of every day. I've gotten better at putting on the fake smile and my work laugh sounds so convincing - I even believe it sometimes. Good days do happen, but not where I work. Rude and demoralizing comments just dig at you, and I'm so sick of being told 'Let it roll off your back' UGH! That drives me insane!
The only thing that makes me happy, that I've noticed is hearing little jokes and total random sarcasm. I love overhearing someones use of sarcasm. I don't have to respond because it wasn't directed at me, and I can smile & walk away. Moments like that leave me wishing I could consistently feel joy.
Next thought: I'm thinking the reason I've been eating more lately is because of how sad I feel; like deep down in my gut. Last time I was this sad I knew why, now I don't. I'm sure it's a combination of things, but I don't want to be that complainy girl - I need to figure how to get myself out of this hole I dug myself.
Some days I wish I could just lay on my bed with the sun shining through the window on me, while my ipod plays mellow indie music. Or I imagine it's summer again and I'm laying in my yard doing the same thing - no bugs though, they ruin it.
I hope I have the motivation and energy to walk 10 miles 3 times a week this summer, like last year. I want to be in shape, feel confident in myself for the first time in my life. I need to be fit this year, I'm in my youthful stage and I want to remembered as a beauty. I remembering looking at photos of my mom when she was my age, and I always think 'she was so gorgeous, I wish I looked like that', I want someone to think that about me. I shouldn't be so shallow I know this, but that's a whole other level of my guilt>sadness>constant low feeling.
I'm tired, and I feel drained more and more lately. I sleep plenty and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don't know why it's getting harder to not cry at work. It's never a serious issue, it's dumb meaningless comments, that don't matter 2 minutes later...but I feel the tears well up, then I think ' seriously? Why are you crying? Don't cry! You're at work people are looking at you'.
And that's enough for tonight, feeling a bit better after ranting to the few people that read this, or me reading this later this year..
I don't know the exact situation you're in, but I DO know that you deserve to be happy. I know the kind of stuff you're going through at least in the workplace, and I know that that particular environment is very emotionally challenging.
ReplyDeleteAnd in my professional opinion, you're beautiful. :) I know you think I'm saying that because you want to hear it, and I know there's no way I can really prove it to you, so you'll just have to take my word. But us guys in the kitchen wouldn't be guys if we didnt talk about/check out the gals in the place. Trust me when I say that we have checked you out. lol. But that's a guy secret and I'm breaking the unwritten code telling you that. But I figured this was a good reason to. All joking aside, you look great, you're a great person, and I think happiness is something you deserve.
How is possible that you're this nice? Are you secretly a jerk like the rest or the one a million sweetheart out there? You'll only proving the point 'the good ones are already taken' even more lol. You're girl is a lucky lady.
ReplyDeleteOkay to understand this site for me, you have to know a bit of my history. (I'll try & keep it brief lol) I've felt depressed the majority of my life. It was tolerable, then really bad around 17 & 19. I don't think I really ever bounced back, just kind of blocked out memories/people and forced myself outside more. Nothing tragic or horrific happened in my life, it's more genetics I think (Dad's side). Don't get overly concerned for me lol.
Btw not a big secret that you guys talk about us lol, I have informants everywhere hah. Believe me, the hostess do the same thing back to you guys lol - don't think cause we don't see you guys much that we forgot ya ;)
Plus some 'chefs' have just flat out said what they're thinking when I've been back there lol..and Gabe who called me Tits McGee & when Jolyse told me I had a 'smokin' bod, lmfao. The people are the only reason work can be fun.
Well as for me being nice or secretly a jerk is for you to find out and judge for yourself. I'm not going to say that I'm without faults or I don't have my fair share of stupid decisions, but I AM at least honest about how I feel and what I think (at least, when it comes to friends. I don't always speak my mind around J or T @ Rube, cuz it'st just smarter that way. lol).
ReplyDeleteWell, idk what you have to be depressed about, if its just general depression or a specific reason. Heh, I'm sort of used to depression. I was depressed for a good portion of my life... for specific reasons (if you want to get into that, I'm not gonna post it for the world to see, but I will tell you about it if you are curious or want to hear my sob story. :P)... But things looked up for me, and then when I started dating H, she had very serious depression, also for specific reasons. So I've been dealing with it in one form or another for at least 15 yrs... sheesh I sound old. lol
I didn't think it was a big secret, but I had to play it like it was. lol. Trust me, you're not the only one with informants. haha. Oh and what do you hostesses have to say about us guys, huh? lol Yeah, some of our guys have no discretion back there, haha... and Gabe... well, Gabe is Gabe. If she thinks you have rockin tits, she lets you know. lol. Jolyse cracks me up too. But yeah, the ppl are pretty much the reason I keep going to Hell everyday... and the pay, that too. :P
Haha understand that. I barely speak to J, unless it's about letting people go home/how busy we are hah.
ReplyDeleteI'll listen to you anytime. Mine is little instances that've built up over the years. I just have problems letting go of. Everyone goes through depression at LEAST once in their life. Said so on the Tele :) You're not old, I think you're 3 or 4 years older than me. That's nothing. Depressions been in my life forever, just hasn't always been mine lol.
Yeah I need to learn to keep my mouth shut at work. People say things about me that they shouldn't, we're all a little gossipy lol - it's a restaurant c'mon haha. It's just not anyone's business.
Haha me & Em have made lists of the guys we like and put them in order hahah. The others just comment every once and awhile. It's never serious, just killing time up front.
Yeah I don't like that everyone's quitting! It's like Hey don't leave me here :..[ The new people don't understand yet, but if I had a better offer I'd probably book it too...but this is it for me right now lol. So I'm not bailing on you.