I think I need help..
I'm getting sad again. I don't see it coming; I'm sitting in my room watching TV like always, and I just want to cry. I want to cry til my eyes won't open anymore. I want it out, if I go through the sobbing til I can't breath anymore, maybe I won't have to feel that way ever again.
I wish it was that simple.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I should be ecstatic to have the life that I do & I'm very grateful for everything I've been blessed with. There's something missing though, I don't want to wait for it to be filled. Why can't I feel like a whole, happy person right now?
Looking for someone to make me happy is a failure, the more I mess around the worse I feel about myself..I don't want to give myself away, I want someone to tell me I'm worth waiting for..that won't cheat on me, treat me with REAL respect, and who will love me until the day we die. The genuine people are taken or wasting their time with jerks that don't deserve them.
..
Heartbroken & always lonely.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Commiting to Change
When I don't like something I change it. It's time to go a different direction. Wallowing doesn't help and keeps me from moving on. No more gossiping; it almost always hurts someone. If they wanted you to share it, they would've announced their secret to everyone in the first place. Next improvement, cease the swearing. Some times it's hard to avoid, but there's no need to curse every other word..like my habit now. Both of those habits have caused guilt for me, for years. I hate to hurt anyone's feelings, and I never want to make someone feel bad about who they are. It's not okay, and people forget how easy it is to break someones self confidence down.
Reason for blog today: Had a long serious conversation last night, and it really made me change my perspective. There's no real reason I should be as sad as I've been. Things could be MUCH, MUCH worse, I've always known that just becomes more apparent your life is less dreary than you believe when you get a little older. I'm extremely lucky I've been as blessed as I have. Parents still married, only lost my Grandpa's and a couple friends from school. I've never been in a real fight, besides my brother. Then again, my brother's always around when I need him. I can always come home. I've had my parents come get me when I get in situations I shouldn't be in, not everyone can say that. People need to have at least one person they're able to fully depend on. Those people are hard to find, but I know there's still good people like that.
I believe Karma is very real, and I've never done anything heinous to anyone, and do as much as possible for the people I think need it. Hopefully life will continue to stay positive and I'll able to be there for my friends whenever they need me.
Reason for blog today: Had a long serious conversation last night, and it really made me change my perspective. There's no real reason I should be as sad as I've been. Things could be MUCH, MUCH worse, I've always known that just becomes more apparent your life is less dreary than you believe when you get a little older. I'm extremely lucky I've been as blessed as I have. Parents still married, only lost my Grandpa's and a couple friends from school. I've never been in a real fight, besides my brother. Then again, my brother's always around when I need him. I can always come home. I've had my parents come get me when I get in situations I shouldn't be in, not everyone can say that. People need to have at least one person they're able to fully depend on. Those people are hard to find, but I know there's still good people like that.
I believe Karma is very real, and I've never done anything heinous to anyone, and do as much as possible for the people I think need it. Hopefully life will continue to stay positive and I'll able to be there for my friends whenever they need me.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Ms.Negative Pants
I haven't had much luck with the fellas lately, starting to think creeps are all that's left. Is everyone fake? I'm direct all the time, if I want you- I want you. Not this crap I've gotten lately "I like you, but I'm not looking for a relationship" but I'm cool with trying to get in your pants for a few more weeks. I've never wanted the one night stand, and it's pissing me off those seem to be the only offers I'm getting. Guess I've never been good with choosing 'good guys'..user/liar, then slacker/too aggressive. I'm just too impatient for someone worth while, and I keep settling for the wrong guys. I guess I should listen to everyones advice and stay single for a long, long time.. I want my Mr.Wonderful to be in my very near future. Please.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Strugglin Through the Days
Feelings going up and down lately, not really feeling 'good' by any means, kind of constant gloom. My face gives me away every minute of every day. I've gotten better at putting on the fake smile and my work laugh sounds so convincing - I even believe it sometimes. Good days do happen, but not where I work. Rude and demoralizing comments just dig at you, and I'm so sick of being told 'Let it roll off your back' UGH! That drives me insane!
The only thing that makes me happy, that I've noticed is hearing little jokes and total random sarcasm. I love overhearing someones use of sarcasm. I don't have to respond because it wasn't directed at me, and I can smile & walk away. Moments like that leave me wishing I could consistently feel joy.
Next thought: I'm thinking the reason I've been eating more lately is because of how sad I feel; like deep down in my gut. Last time I was this sad I knew why, now I don't. I'm sure it's a combination of things, but I don't want to be that complainy girl - I need to figure how to get myself out of this hole I dug myself.
Some days I wish I could just lay on my bed with the sun shining through the window on me, while my ipod plays mellow indie music. Or I imagine it's summer again and I'm laying in my yard doing the same thing - no bugs though, they ruin it.
I hope I have the motivation and energy to walk 10 miles 3 times a week this summer, like last year. I want to be in shape, feel confident in myself for the first time in my life. I need to be fit this year, I'm in my youthful stage and I want to remembered as a beauty. I remembering looking at photos of my mom when she was my age, and I always think 'she was so gorgeous, I wish I looked like that', I want someone to think that about me. I shouldn't be so shallow I know this, but that's a whole other level of my guilt>sadness>constant low feeling.
I'm tired, and I feel drained more and more lately. I sleep plenty and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don't know why it's getting harder to not cry at work. It's never a serious issue, it's dumb meaningless comments, that don't matter 2 minutes later...but I feel the tears well up, then I think ' seriously? Why are you crying? Don't cry! You're at work people are looking at you'.
And that's enough for tonight, feeling a bit better after ranting to the few people that read this, or me reading this later this year..
The only thing that makes me happy, that I've noticed is hearing little jokes and total random sarcasm. I love overhearing someones use of sarcasm. I don't have to respond because it wasn't directed at me, and I can smile & walk away. Moments like that leave me wishing I could consistently feel joy.
Next thought: I'm thinking the reason I've been eating more lately is because of how sad I feel; like deep down in my gut. Last time I was this sad I knew why, now I don't. I'm sure it's a combination of things, but I don't want to be that complainy girl - I need to figure how to get myself out of this hole I dug myself.
Some days I wish I could just lay on my bed with the sun shining through the window on me, while my ipod plays mellow indie music. Or I imagine it's summer again and I'm laying in my yard doing the same thing - no bugs though, they ruin it.
I hope I have the motivation and energy to walk 10 miles 3 times a week this summer, like last year. I want to be in shape, feel confident in myself for the first time in my life. I need to be fit this year, I'm in my youthful stage and I want to remembered as a beauty. I remembering looking at photos of my mom when she was my age, and I always think 'she was so gorgeous, I wish I looked like that', I want someone to think that about me. I shouldn't be so shallow I know this, but that's a whole other level of my guilt>sadness>constant low feeling.
I'm tired, and I feel drained more and more lately. I sleep plenty and all I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don't know why it's getting harder to not cry at work. It's never a serious issue, it's dumb meaningless comments, that don't matter 2 minutes later...but I feel the tears well up, then I think ' seriously? Why are you crying? Don't cry! You're at work people are looking at you'.
And that's enough for tonight, feeling a bit better after ranting to the few people that read this, or me reading this later this year..
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